So today, 18th July, I'm 20 years old. Can you believe it? 20! And if you don't think it's old, think again.
I was chatting with my cousin on msn and he asked how I was doing. And I said, "I'm alright. Feeling cranky. But I guess that's what it means to get old huh?" Then he replied, "Getting old? Oh yes! Happy birthday!" And when I said that whole feeling-cranky-is-what-it-means-to-get-old, I wasn't even thinking of my birthday. Wasn't even thinking the reason I feel cranky/old was because I'm getting a year older. It all came too...naturally. Naturally OLD. Gosh, I don't know why, but just after dinner I suddenly felt so cranky. Just didn't feel like talking. Didn't even feel like watching a favourite programme on TV. Turning old?? I hope not. I don't want to be a cranky, miserable old lady. I want to be a jolly, enthusiastic, passionate woman.
Looking back at my life, I have to say, I feel pretty grateful for it. I mean of course, there's been ups and downs. Sadness and happiness. Mishaps. Suffering (not a lot and not physically. Don't get me wrong lol). Embarrassments ;). Joy. Love. Hope. Fun. And most importantly, God has been so great in my life. From the way He brought me to Him, to the awesome ways He has worked in my life, to the guidance He has given me, to the prayers He has answered for me. It's been awesome. Even though I keep disappointing Him, He never forsake me. Even though I left Him sometimes, He never left me.
Dear Lord,
I'm sorry for the many things I've done that've disappointed and upset You. Father, even as I grow a year older, all I want is to grow stronger in our relationship. To grow stronger in love. To learn more from You and to obey You in everything I do. Father, all I want is to draw closer to You, and not forsaking You again, ever. Thank You Lord for the many amazing things You have done in my life. Though I don't deserve it, but still You made the impossible happen. For me. Thank You Lord. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
Friday 17 July 2009
Monday 6 July 2009
There's no place like home =)
So I arrived Malaysia on 25th June at about 6pm. And the moment I stepped out of the airplane I felt the heat, and I felt like I was walking through a wall of tiny water droplets. That's Malaysia alright. Hot and humid. Not complaining, just feels good to be home =)
Funny thing happened when I walked out from the "no declaration" lane, the first people I saw were Jo Ann's parents. My eyes scan around the area for my parents and brother. No sign of them. Haha for a moment I thought they were still stuck in a jam or something. Greeted Jo Ann's parents for a few minutes, then turned around and finally, I saw my brother. Haha actually my mom and bro had been in the airport earlier but my mom had to go and use the toilet.
I actually planned to have Indian food that night for dinner, but my brother suggested Thai food instead. Fine by me =) I love Thai food too. Hehe. Went to megamall and had dinner with my aunts and uncles, my mom's sisters and brothers. And I felt it was the best "Welcome home" present. Dinner with family =). Of course, all were busy nagging me about my full-of-pimples face and commenting on my not-so-fair skin but otherwise, it was fun to have them there =).
Despite being glad to be home, I still can't help but worry about some things. Like getting an internship here or at least some sort of a work experience. And brushing up on my french and taking some french classes so that it won't be so hard next year when I take level 2 french. And worrying about the flat arrangements, the payments and the contracts. Sigh. I've been here for a little more than a week already, still nothing definite planned out for the 3 months I will be here. I can't help but feel like I'm going to regret it later if I don't start moving my butt and doing something useful soon. But yet, I feel so lazy to look for internships or french classes. And, my spiritual growth has been stunted again. All thanks to this thing called "laziness". I really really need to buck up.
I've been reading this book called "I dared to call Him Father". It's about a woman who was a Muslim in Pakistan and she converted into a Christian. And the book tells about how God is so so very real to her. And how He guides her through every step she takes. It's because of her obedience to God, and how she surrenders completely to Him. It's just challenging me so much to be like that. To surrender. To not worry about my future. To not feel insecure. To have someone steer me in the right direction and help me through the obstacles. Like I've said before, I cannot let Him go. I cannot push Him away. I need to cling on to Him.
Time to stop being lazy, Joanne. Time to step out of your comfort zone.
I don't know how to end this post. And this is going to be pretty random. But I have a mosquito bite on my eyebrow. There IS no place like home.
Funny thing happened when I walked out from the "no declaration" lane, the first people I saw were Jo Ann's parents. My eyes scan around the area for my parents and brother. No sign of them. Haha for a moment I thought they were still stuck in a jam or something. Greeted Jo Ann's parents for a few minutes, then turned around and finally, I saw my brother. Haha actually my mom and bro had been in the airport earlier but my mom had to go and use the toilet.
I actually planned to have Indian food that night for dinner, but my brother suggested Thai food instead. Fine by me =) I love Thai food too. Hehe. Went to megamall and had dinner with my aunts and uncles, my mom's sisters and brothers. And I felt it was the best "Welcome home" present. Dinner with family =). Of course, all were busy nagging me about my full-of-pimples face and commenting on my not-so-fair skin but otherwise, it was fun to have them there =).
Despite being glad to be home, I still can't help but worry about some things. Like getting an internship here or at least some sort of a work experience. And brushing up on my french and taking some french classes so that it won't be so hard next year when I take level 2 french. And worrying about the flat arrangements, the payments and the contracts. Sigh. I've been here for a little more than a week already, still nothing definite planned out for the 3 months I will be here. I can't help but feel like I'm going to regret it later if I don't start moving my butt and doing something useful soon. But yet, I feel so lazy to look for internships or french classes. And, my spiritual growth has been stunted again. All thanks to this thing called "laziness". I really really need to buck up.
I've been reading this book called "I dared to call Him Father". It's about a woman who was a Muslim in Pakistan and she converted into a Christian. And the book tells about how God is so so very real to her. And how He guides her through every step she takes. It's because of her obedience to God, and how she surrenders completely to Him. It's just challenging me so much to be like that. To surrender. To not worry about my future. To not feel insecure. To have someone steer me in the right direction and help me through the obstacles. Like I've said before, I cannot let Him go. I cannot push Him away. I need to cling on to Him.
Time to stop being lazy, Joanne. Time to step out of your comfort zone.
I don't know how to end this post. And this is going to be pretty random. But I have a mosquito bite on my eyebrow. There IS no place like home.
Wednesday 17 June 2009
Rant!
Am not feeling very happy. Just feel like ranting. I guess I care too much? Care too much about what people think about me. Try too hard to make people like me. Read people's actions and words too much. But, then again, people act the way they do for a reason, no?
So what if I'm flawed? So what if I do some things differently then others? So what if I can't do most things people can? I'm not perfect, only human.
It's time to stop, Joanne. Time to stop caring so much bout what people think about you. Time to accept people's criticism and not take it too hard. Time to learn to smile and joke about your own flaws.
And time to stop ranting. On a brighter note, I'm going home soon. =) Can't wait.
So what if I'm flawed? So what if I do some things differently then others? So what if I can't do most things people can? I'm not perfect, only human.
It's time to stop, Joanne. Time to stop caring so much bout what people think about you. Time to accept people's criticism and not take it too hard. Time to learn to smile and joke about your own flaws.
And time to stop ranting. On a brighter note, I'm going home soon. =) Can't wait.
Thursday 4 June 2009
Human Nature
It is human nature to put ourselves 1st before anyone else.
It is human nature to offend others out of jealousy.
It is human nature to be stingy.
It is human nature to have rage and resentment.
It is human nature to boast.
It is human nature to blame others.
It is human nature to be impatient with one another.
Is human nature really the excuse for us to act in these ways? Are we supposed to say, "I am not God, I'm just human" every time we fail to care? No. We are humans, that's right. We sin and sometimes we become selfish and think of our needs instead of others. But does that mean we should be doing so? Does that mean we should all just act in the ways above and say, "Oh I'm sorry, I'm just human."
James 4:10 - Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up.
Easier said than done? No offense, but I find that phrase so dumb. Obviously things are easier said than done. If that's the case we don't need to do anything then. Cause after all, it's "Easier said than done".
Every single thing we do, we need to put in the effort. Studying to go to college, working to put food on the table, do all these just appear in front of us? No. Same thing with our attitude towards others. Do we expect ourselves to "naturally" be caring, loving, generous, etc? No. Even we need to put in the effort to shape our attitude to be the person God wants us to be. Sure we're not doing it alone. God will be there to shape us as well. But are we supposed to sit there and say, "OK God. Change me now." and be changed overnight?
Many times I tried to be loving, generous, and caring to others. And many times, I fail. I just give up and feel like I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to be a doormat and all. But then this verse comes to mind.
Galatians 6:9 - Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
You don't need people to treat you nice first for you to treat them nice. Jesus did not believe in "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth". Let us not be weary in doing good. Let us not expect any return when we do good. The only return we need is to have Him smile down on us, and making Him proud.
So let us be inhuman. Let us not conform to the ways of the world. Let us be different, and make a difference in others as well.
It is human nature to offend others out of jealousy.
It is human nature to be stingy.
It is human nature to have rage and resentment.
It is human nature to boast.
It is human nature to blame others.
It is human nature to be impatient with one another.
Is human nature really the excuse for us to act in these ways? Are we supposed to say, "I am not God, I'm just human" every time we fail to care? No. We are humans, that's right. We sin and sometimes we become selfish and think of our needs instead of others. But does that mean we should be doing so? Does that mean we should all just act in the ways above and say, "Oh I'm sorry, I'm just human."
James 4:10 - Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up.
Easier said than done? No offense, but I find that phrase so dumb. Obviously things are easier said than done. If that's the case we don't need to do anything then. Cause after all, it's "Easier said than done".
Every single thing we do, we need to put in the effort. Studying to go to college, working to put food on the table, do all these just appear in front of us? No. Same thing with our attitude towards others. Do we expect ourselves to "naturally" be caring, loving, generous, etc? No. Even we need to put in the effort to shape our attitude to be the person God wants us to be. Sure we're not doing it alone. God will be there to shape us as well. But are we supposed to sit there and say, "OK God. Change me now." and be changed overnight?
Many times I tried to be loving, generous, and caring to others. And many times, I fail. I just give up and feel like I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to be a doormat and all. But then this verse comes to mind.
Galatians 6:9 - Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
You don't need people to treat you nice first for you to treat them nice. Jesus did not believe in "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth". Let us not be weary in doing good. Let us not expect any return when we do good. The only return we need is to have Him smile down on us, and making Him proud.
So let us be inhuman. Let us not conform to the ways of the world. Let us be different, and make a difference in others as well.
Saturday 23 May 2009
I'm a Kris Allen fan yo! =)
For American Idol this season, my favourite was actually Allison. And I was sad when she got voted off, I really wanted her to win, but when it was just down to the three guys I started being a Kris Allen fan! Haha. And I'm glad he won =) Although I have to say he doesn't have the best vocal, but he's just so creative and his arrangement of "aint no sunshine" was so beautiful.
I was just checking out facebook and I saw this Kris Allen fan's page and so I became a fan and I was just checking out the links that were posted there and I came across this video. And waddaya know? Kris Allen's a Christian and I think he's a worship leader in his church or something (not sure). But yea, it was great to hear him sing praises to the Lord. Just somehow puts a smile on my face =)
And there were comments on the video saying they hope he sings for God and not sing secular music. But I think, and I believe, whether he sings secular music or not doesn't matter, as long as he doesn't forget his believes and makes decisions that make Him proud. Just because he sings about say love to a girl instead of to the Lord doesn't make him a bad Christian or something.
I truly believe that He'll guide Kris in everything that he does and I just pray and hope that he'll make the right choices in life. Kris, whatever you do I hope you remember Him always and I pray that you'll put your trust Him, cause He'll lead you to the right direction =) And I pray that your faith will never waver and that you'll cling on to Him always.
God bless! And enjoy the video =)
I was just checking out facebook and I saw this Kris Allen fan's page and so I became a fan and I was just checking out the links that were posted there and I came across this video. And waddaya know? Kris Allen's a Christian and I think he's a worship leader in his church or something (not sure). But yea, it was great to hear him sing praises to the Lord. Just somehow puts a smile on my face =)
And there were comments on the video saying they hope he sings for God and not sing secular music. But I think, and I believe, whether he sings secular music or not doesn't matter, as long as he doesn't forget his believes and makes decisions that make Him proud. Just because he sings about say love to a girl instead of to the Lord doesn't make him a bad Christian or something.
I truly believe that He'll guide Kris in everything that he does and I just pray and hope that he'll make the right choices in life. Kris, whatever you do I hope you remember Him always and I pray that you'll put your trust Him, cause He'll lead you to the right direction =) And I pray that your faith will never waver and that you'll cling on to Him always.
God bless! And enjoy the video =)
Wednesday 20 May 2009
I'm back =)
I'm back! After a loooooong time! Haha actually I didn't want to blog today but the temptation was just too strong somehow I don't know why. =) I guess my mood to blog is back? ;)
I've been having exams since Monday, and in fact have one more paper left next Tuesday (which was why I didn't want to blog today because technically I'm still having exams). Haha. Gosh it's been 6 months since my last post? Haha oops! ><
The whole 9 months that I've been here in London has been a roller coaster ride. Emotionally and spiritually. I've been building this wall between Him and me. Somehow. And I have to say, it really sucks living without Him. I guess I can say today is the day, I'm starting to tear down this wall. I'm sick and tired of living without Him. This life has been so purposeless without Him. I've been going through life here doing things just for sake of knowing that it's the right thing to do, instead of doing it because I want to; instead of doing it because I have a God in me, and His actions are reflected in mine. To the point that at one moment I actually lost my identity. I just suddenly don't know who I am anymore. The world is too scary and cruel for me to live alone. I need someone. I need Him =)
I've been wanting to run back into His arms some time ago. But everytime I want to do that I feel so hypocritical. It's like, it's only when exams are coming that I want Him. And everytime I want to ask for His help and strength I keep thinking to myself, "Who am I to ask for His help when I've forsaken Him all this while? What makes me think He is going to help me when I've blocked Him out of my life for such a long time?" And I'll feel so guilty, because it's like I'm using Him. And yet I know how hurtful it is to be used.
Then today I was listening to the song "Who am I" by Casting Crowns, and it really hit me.
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
This is who I am. So small and worthless, but worth so much to Him. Such a nobody, and yet He hears us all. This is who I am --->> 1 John 3:1 : "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are....."
That is what I am. His child.
I want that kind of relationship with You again Lord. I don't want to fall away, I don't want to go the opposite direction, I want to go back to You. I don't want You just for the sake of exams. I want You everyday, every minute, every second. I need to continue clinging on to Him even after exams. I hope I won't build anymore walls between me and my Father. I don't want to disappoint Him and use Him anymore. I don't want Him just to get straight A's or good grades or a successful life. I just want Him.
God bless to all you people living in this world. It's not easy, so cling on to Him, because He's the only one who can help you through this journey called life.
Btw, home, I'm coming =))
I've been having exams since Monday, and in fact have one more paper left next Tuesday (which was why I didn't want to blog today because technically I'm still having exams). Haha. Gosh it's been 6 months since my last post? Haha oops! ><
The whole 9 months that I've been here in London has been a roller coaster ride. Emotionally and spiritually. I've been building this wall between Him and me. Somehow. And I have to say, it really sucks living without Him. I guess I can say today is the day, I'm starting to tear down this wall. I'm sick and tired of living without Him. This life has been so purposeless without Him. I've been going through life here doing things just for sake of knowing that it's the right thing to do, instead of doing it because I want to; instead of doing it because I have a God in me, and His actions are reflected in mine. To the point that at one moment I actually lost my identity. I just suddenly don't know who I am anymore. The world is too scary and cruel for me to live alone. I need someone. I need Him =)
I've been wanting to run back into His arms some time ago. But everytime I want to do that I feel so hypocritical. It's like, it's only when exams are coming that I want Him. And everytime I want to ask for His help and strength I keep thinking to myself, "Who am I to ask for His help when I've forsaken Him all this while? What makes me think He is going to help me when I've blocked Him out of my life for such a long time?" And I'll feel so guilty, because it's like I'm using Him. And yet I know how hurtful it is to be used.
Then today I was listening to the song "Who am I" by Casting Crowns, and it really hit me.
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
This is who I am. So small and worthless, but worth so much to Him. Such a nobody, and yet He hears us all. This is who I am --->> 1 John 3:1 : "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are....."
That is what I am. His child.
I want that kind of relationship with You again Lord. I don't want to fall away, I don't want to go the opposite direction, I want to go back to You. I don't want You just for the sake of exams. I want You everyday, every minute, every second. I need to continue clinging on to Him even after exams. I hope I won't build anymore walls between me and my Father. I don't want to disappoint Him and use Him anymore. I don't want Him just to get straight A's or good grades or a successful life. I just want Him.
God bless to all you people living in this world. It's not easy, so cling on to Him, because He's the only one who can help you through this journey called life.
Btw, home, I'm coming =))
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