I'm back =)

I'm back! After a loooooong time! Haha actually I didn't want to blog today but the temptation was just too strong somehow I don't know why. =) I guess my mood to blog is back? ;)

I've been having exams since Monday, and in fact have one more paper left next Tuesday (which was why I didn't want to blog today because technically I'm still having exams). Haha. Gosh it's been 6 months since my last post? Haha oops! ><

The whole 9 months that I've been here in London has been a roller coaster ride. Emotionally and spiritually. I've been building this wall between Him and me. Somehow. And I have to say, it really sucks living without Him. I guess I can say today is the day, I'm starting to tear down this wall. I'm sick and tired of living without Him. This life has been so purposeless without Him. I've been going through life here doing things just for sake of knowing that it's the right thing to do, instead of doing it because I want to; instead of doing it because I have a God in me, and His actions are reflected in mine. To the point that at one moment I actually lost my identity. I just suddenly don't know who I am anymore. The world is too scary and cruel for me to live alone. I need someone. I need Him =)

I've been wanting to run back into His arms some time ago. But everytime I want to do that I feel so hypocritical. It's like, it's only when exams are coming that I want Him. And everytime I want to ask for His help and strength I keep thinking to myself, "Who am I to ask for His help when I've forsaken Him all this while? What makes me think He is going to help me when I've blocked Him out of my life for such a long time?" And I'll feel so guilty, because it's like I'm using Him. And yet I know how hurtful it is to be used.

Then today I was listening to the song "Who am I" by Casting Crowns, and it really hit me.

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

This is who I am. So small and worthless, but worth so much to Him. Such a nobody, and yet He hears us all. This is who I am --->> 1 John 3:1 : "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are....."

That is what I am. His child.

I want that kind of relationship with You again Lord. I don't want to fall away, I don't want to go the opposite direction, I want to go back to You. I don't want You just for the sake of exams. I want You everyday, every minute, every second. I need to continue clinging on to Him even after exams. I hope I won't build anymore walls between me and my Father. I don't want to disappoint Him and use Him anymore. I don't want Him just to get straight A's or good grades or a successful life. I just want Him.

God bless to all you people living in this world. It's not easy, so cling on to Him, because He's the only one who can help you through this journey called life.

Btw, home, I'm coming =))