Almost there

There. I spent the whole day today cleaning my room. It was a pig sty before that, thank God I don’t have a picture to show that >< Haha. No before, but here’s after:

Organised clothes. And yes, I know I have a lot of clothes. Half of which I don't seem to wear. Hmm..

I see my floor!! *oops, a hint of how bad it was before*

Stacked books. =)

Laundry tomorrow, and I’m practically done. =) Oh and I’ll need to wash my hiking shoes. That’ll probably take a while.

Room check. Next, life.

There was a point in my life (a couple of weeks ago in fact) where I just gave up and self-destructed. I just couldn’t care less, and was slacking so much. I knew I was going to regret it later, but at that time I didn’t care. Now, I do care. There’s so much to do. All the work just piled up. And I regret so much now. I remember clearly thinking at that time, “There’s still time. Don’t worry. It’s okay to have a day off. There’s still time.” It’s amazing how time literally flies. Day turned into weeks. There’s no time now. But I’ll try to make the most out of it.

So, a note to all those out there who are thinking of self-destructing. Don’t. In whatever way. Could be you just cut yourself off from God. From your parents. Or it could be that you just let go of your obligations and responsibilities, knowing that there’ll be consequences later, but still don’t care. My advice. Don’t. You’ll definitely regret it later. Just like how I am regretting it now.

Hang in there! Don't give up! Don't self-destruct. Instead, rejoice. It's a choice. Your choice.

Spring Cleaning

My room is a mess.

My life is a mess.

It’s time to spring clean. 1^st my room, then my life.

There are so many things in my life right now that I need to set straight. So many things about myself I want to change. It’s amazing how spending time with people can really open one’s eyes.

I’ve been looking through my blog the past couple of days. I don’t recognize that person. I don’t know who this person is right now. She was so passionate, so curious, always questioning, always challenging. Always encouraging. Now, she’s just like a sloth. Can’t be bothered. Cut off from the real world. Drowning herself in nonsense. Being obtuse.

Looking at some of the comments really stirred something in me. A comment as late as last year spoke of how my blog post gave her encouragement. How finding my blog made her thank God. It’s amazing given that my last post was in 2009.

I want that person back. I want to continue encouraging people. Continue to tell people of what He has done in my life. Continue to tell people of my journey with Him.

I want to stop being afraid. Insecure. Obtuse. It’s time to change. I know it won’t happen overnight. I know it won’t happen anytime soon. But by God’s grace and strength, I believe He will help me.

Matthew 7:7 - "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”

Lord, I ask to that you change me. To be a better person.

Buck Up

*Takes a deep breath*

Hi. =)

So many things to say, but don't know where to start. Well, first, I'm coming back to blogging (let's see how long it'll last this time haha). So many things happened since my last post. Happiness. Sadness. Disappointments.

At this very moment, disappointment overwhelms everything else. Disappointment at myself. But I choose not to sit and sulk. I choose, to change. I choose to be a better me.

Time to buck up. Time to grow up. Time to come back to the right path. I've veered off too far. But God, bring me back.

"Higher than the mountains that I face

Stronger than the power of the grave

Constant through the trial and the change

One thing remains

One thing remains

Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me

In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love

My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love."

Turning...OLD

So today, 18th July, I'm 20 years old. Can you believe it? 20! And if you don't think it's old, think again.

I was chatting with my cousin on msn and he asked how I was doing. And I said, "I'm alright. Feeling cranky. But I guess that's what it means to get old huh?" Then he replied, "Getting old? Oh yes! Happy birthday!" And when I said that whole feeling-cranky-is-what-it-means-to-get-old, I wasn't even thinking of my birthday. Wasn't even thinking the reason I feel cranky/old was because I'm getting a year older. It all came too...naturally. Naturally OLD. Gosh, I don't know why, but just after dinner I suddenly felt so cranky. Just didn't feel like talking. Didn't even feel like watching a favourite programme on TV. Turning old?? I hope not. I don't want to be a cranky, miserable old lady. I want to be a jolly, enthusiastic, passionate woman.

Looking back at my life, I have to say, I feel pretty grateful for it. I mean of course, there's been ups and downs. Sadness and happiness. Mishaps. Suffering (not a lot and not physically. Don't get me wrong lol). Embarrassments ;). Joy. Love. Hope. Fun. And most importantly, God has been so great in my life. From the way He brought me to Him, to the awesome ways He has worked in my life, to the guidance He has given me, to the prayers He has answered for me. It's been awesome. Even though I keep disappointing Him, He never forsake me. Even though I left Him sometimes, He never left me.

Dear Lord,

I'm sorry for the many things I've done that've disappointed and upset You. Father, even as I grow a year older, all I want is to grow stronger in our relationship. To grow stronger in love. To learn more from You and to obey You in everything I do. Father, all I want is to draw closer to You, and not forsaking You again, ever. Thank You Lord for the many amazing things You have done in my life. Though I don't deserve it, but still You made the impossible happen. For me. Thank You Lord. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

There's no place like home =)

So I arrived Malaysia on 25th June at about 6pm. And the moment I stepped out of the airplane I felt the heat, and I felt like I was walking through a wall of tiny water droplets. That's Malaysia alright. Hot and humid. Not complaining, just feels good to be home =)

Funny thing happened when I walked out from the "no declaration" lane, the first people I saw were Jo Ann's parents. My eyes scan around the area for my parents and brother. No sign of them. Haha for a moment I thought they were still stuck in a jam or something. Greeted Jo Ann's parents for a few minutes, then turned around and finally, I saw my brother. Haha actually my mom and bro had been in the airport earlier but my mom had to go and use the toilet.

I actually planned to have Indian food that night for dinner, but my brother suggested Thai food instead. Fine by me =) I love Thai food too. Hehe. Went to megamall and had dinner with my aunts and uncles, my mom's sisters and brothers. And I felt it was the best "Welcome home" present. Dinner with family =). Of course, all were busy nagging me about my full-of-pimples face and commenting on my not-so-fair skin but otherwise, it was fun to have them there =).

Despite being glad to be home, I still can't help but worry about some things. Like getting an internship here or at least some sort of a work experience. And brushing up on my french and taking some french classes so that it won't be so hard next year when I take level 2 french. And worrying about the flat arrangements, the payments and the contracts. Sigh. I've been here for a little more than a week already, still nothing definite planned out for the 3 months I will be here. I can't help but feel like I'm going to regret it later if I don't start moving my butt and doing something useful soon. But yet, I feel so lazy to look for internships or french classes. And, my spiritual growth has been stunted again. All thanks to this thing called "laziness". I really really need to buck up.

I've been reading this book called "I dared to call Him Father". It's about a woman who was a Muslim in Pakistan and she converted into a Christian. And the book tells about how God is so so very real to her. And how He guides her through every step she takes. It's because of her obedience to God, and how she surrenders completely to Him. It's just challenging me so much to be like that. To surrender. To not worry about my future. To not feel insecure. To have someone steer me in the right direction and help me through the obstacles. Like I've said before, I cannot let Him go. I cannot push Him away. I need to cling on to Him.

Time to stop being lazy, Joanne. Time to step out of your comfort zone.

I don't know how to end this post. And this is going to be pretty random. But I have a mosquito bite on my eyebrow. There IS no place like home.

Rant!

Am not feeling very happy. Just feel like ranting. I guess I care too much? Care too much about what people think about me. Try too hard to make people like me. Read people's actions and words too much. But, then again, people act the way they do for a reason, no?

So what if I'm flawed? So what if I do some things differently then others? So what if I can't do most things people can? I'm not perfect, only human.

It's time to stop, Joanne. Time to stop caring so much bout what people think about you. Time to accept people's criticism and not take it too hard. Time to learn to smile and joke about your own flaws.

And time to stop ranting. On a brighter note, I'm going home soon. =) Can't wait.

Human Nature

It is human nature to put ourselves 1st before anyone else.

It is human nature to offend others out of jealousy.

It is human nature to be stingy.

It is human nature to have rage and resentment.

It is human nature to boast.

It is human nature to blame others.

It is human nature to be impatient with one another.


Is human nature really the excuse for us to act in these ways? Are we supposed to say, "I am not God, I'm just human" every time we fail to care? No. We are humans, that's right. We sin and sometimes we become selfish and think of our needs instead of others. But does that mean we should be doing so? Does that mean we should all just act in the ways above and say, "Oh I'm sorry, I'm just human."

James 4:10 - Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up.

Easier said than done? No offense, but I find that phrase so dumb. Obviously things are easier said than done. If that's the case we don't need to do anything then. Cause after all, it's "Easier said than done".

Every single thing we do, we need to put in the effort. Studying to go to college, working to put food on the table, do all these just appear in front of us? No. Same thing with our attitude towards others. Do we expect ourselves to "naturally" be caring, loving, generous, etc? No. Even we need to put in the effort to shape our attitude to be the person God wants us to be. Sure we're not doing it alone. God will be there to shape us as well. But are we supposed to sit there and say, "OK God. Change me now." and be changed overnight?

Many times I tried to be loving, generous, and caring to others. And many times, I fail. I just give up and feel like I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to be a doormat and all. But then this verse comes to mind.

Galatians 6:9 - Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

You don't need people to treat you nice first for you to treat them nice. Jesus did not believe in "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth". Let us not be weary in doing good. Let us not expect any return when we do good. The only return we need is to have Him smile down on us, and making Him proud.

So let us be inhuman. Let us not conform to the ways of the world. Let us be different, and make a difference in others as well.